Well, although I was about at this blog’s inception I do feel I’m arriving a bit later than Leo & Claudia into this, so thanks to you both for getting the ball rolling!

Leo’s mentioned me, my paddock, my stallions… but you don’t just wake up one morning with one…! So… where to start?! For me firstly, why this blog? Initially when Leo first raised this idea of a blog, which was a while ago now, I knew I wanted to tell part of my story to give hope and inspiration to other women (and indeed men) who for one reason or another find themselves in a marriage without the sexual connection.

So my story unfolds…

Three years into my marriage, and with a baby in tow I had an encounter… an old pre-marriage flame called by. I remember it so well, as we just stood at either ends of the hallway looking at each other. Eyes searching each other, but for what? There was a sense. Shortly after he put his hands gently on my upper arms and held them there, our eyes still fixed on each other as he kissed me on my cheek and bid me farewell. Not a word was said.

My mind went into overdrive… how can I love my husband so much, and still do… but what was this about? Over the next few months I began to realise I was covering up within myself a very intrinsic yearning, the feeling of real sexual connection with another human. That spark inside that made me feel wild and alive… The spark that lets the true core carnality within me surface, be expressed and be in flow with another…

Hindsight is wonderful, but at that time I didn’t see it coming. My husband’s experience of girlfriends was somewhat limited and I just thought that doesn’t matter he’ll get to develop and love this side of a relationship, I mean who wouldn’t?! But reflecting back, although tender, we’d been existing on what felt to me as almost “robotic sex by numbers”. Made slightly easier when there was a purpose to sex of procreation. Where was the carefree, boosting, energizing spontaneous fun of it that I’d had with other lovers before my marriage? Although sex was pleasant, I’d discovered I’d suppressed this wild side of me for so long, the actual wonders and joy of sexual connection in itself. I’d been on an internal sexual vibrancy decline, was becoming sexually invisible as a woman, these yearnings inside me forming and carving a deep hollow. This old flame encounter threw me, but I kept it hidden within myself, trying to make sense of it. I didn’t realise or recognise until that point that I was missing something. I recall being on a college course a while after that, and coming across Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and could sense this hollow void inside me screaming. There was a real heartfelt pain inside my core. I’d been covering up a basic need of myself, in order to in some ways to “conform” and support others. I’d put myself at the bottom of the list, giving to others, supporting others in ways they needed to be supported, but feeling depleted and empty inside but still expected to be strong.

What do I mean by “conform” in this context? We tend to live so much by society “perceived norms and expectations”. But what if things don’t fit simply and neatly into that framework? There are a multitude of complexities to life. Let’s face it there is no such thing as normal – people live by their beliefs and values. I love my husband very deeply, been married for two decades and have a wonderful family with two children. Our lives day to day are a very good match for each other, but when it comes to physicality and expressing inner emotion it feels we are literally on different wavelengths of a badly tuned radio. I would give up an awful lot for my family and defend to the hilt. I was realising I had given up a lot… although I hadn’t given up sex, I had closed down my connected in-tune fiery inner sexuality side.

Hmm what to do? Do I…

1)    Dwell forever, do nothing and let this aspect of my marriage consume me and do the “decent thing” in society’s eyes, “the right thing to do…” (who is this society anyway?!) by covering it up, live with it, suppress it further and appear to be the perfect mum and wife, or even worse split from him and my family based on that one aspect of our marriage being far from ideal? For me that latter point is a ridiculous notion!!

Or…

2) Somehow figure a way in life to keep my family as a strong loving unit, continue to strongly love and enjoy my husband’s company but… also acknowledge and nurture my connection to my inner core sexuality, to make me feel alive, energised, be free to feel the power of sensuality, feel who I am innately, which is a boost for me so I am better able to support my family?

Do I go for the first option?… heck no! My values are with the second option as that is what I believe to be better for my family and for society! I don’t feel I’m a bad person for my underground life far from it, my intents are for the positive and the knock on effects it has had on me are positive.

For me it’s been a very confusing journey with my husband (understatement!)… I recall exasperated comments from me like “You don’t love me in the way I need to be loved” … “I have no other ways to explain”… It’s not we’d not tried to improve that aspect of our relationship, but about 5 years ago I had an Ah-ha moment when a counsellor suggested I look up Maxine Aston’s Asperger Couple’s workbook. Whoa… this was exactly how it felt… I was this starving zebra and him an eagle. (In short him going to great lengths to bring me delicacies from his perspective e.g. dead mice, whereas being a vegetarian zebra, dead mice didn’t do it for me… so I was slowly starving.) Although when I confronted him with this, he didn’t comprehend… These eyes looked up at me… he just couldn’t understand (which is why over the years when I’ve painstakingly spelt out what I wanted he struggled) I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t at least try… go along with some of the suggestions. But to him, he couldn’t see it, understand it… and it wasn’t logical. But then when has lust been logical?! So for me explaining I like this (xyz), or that (abc) which I thought would work… and at least he’d add that onto his mental list I guess. So he would be just as confused if I said “No I don’t like that (abc)” as it’s the thing I liked, but not in that context… Wow that’s even confusing to explain! A bit like me saying “I like you kissing me like that” and then “I don’t like you kissing me like that” (when he did exactly the same thing)… as we’re in the middle of a supermarket or something. It felt to him that he couldn’t do anything right. We have at this point only gone as far as this book, but it does resonate.

I remember so clearly that moment I sat with him on the sofa, these doleful concerned eyes pierced through me… you really don’t understand my world at all, the connected sexual pleasure. There was no explanation left to me. I can still recall these eyes looking at me, no comprehension, but so much pure love. I’m welling up now just writing this. That’s why I know and I feel my husband is still so significant and important in my life. There is a deep loving connection, but strangely it doesn’t spill over into kinaesthetic touching flow or indeed auditory flow… Which with my comprehension would be normal and a natural extension in “my world”. For example, verbal facts and conversation based on logic came easy, but not words around emotion.

So, at that point I felt armed with new insight, and instead of fighting it within me and indeed with my husband, things for me took more shape, compassion and understanding. It also became much clearer for me that for me to be strong I had to take responsibility for myself to nurture myself within, so that I could function more effectively and could stay strong for my family and others. Why battle on trying to get my husband to do something he finds quite alien? He wasn’t being belligerent, just no comprehension. I can’t make him do what I want… it has to come from him, it’s up to him to want to do something. To this point I had been describing what I like in a multitude of ways, … but just missing. It’s something I don’t want to fight any more right now… our relationship is good, friendly, loving and supportive. Infact we’re very close friends, just not close lovers. So in society if your husband is not your lover… “you’re doomed”?! … So in my mind I started splitting marital love and sex and my underground adventures evolved even further.

If asked “Would I love it if he were part of my underground world?” My response would be “Absolutely!”.

Over the next few years, my old flame (I now call Aff1) and I rekindled and developed an underground relationship… which over the years has had its peaks and troughs. In some ways I was lucky, he was single and I’d been close to him before I got married so it was easier to “pick up from where we left off”.

My 2nd relationship (Aff2) was another fascinating turning point for me. I wasn’t looking for another man, he found and made advances on me. We both grew from our encounter. He certainly challenged my mindset, my beliefs on life which was a beautiful gift. The lovely thing is we were not only supportive to each other, but were also supportive of each other’s families. It wasn’t a destructive underground coupling by any means… so much so, that through our underground life, Aff2 became to understand his wife’s affair in a different light and his relationship with her improved. So not only was I better able to cope with my family but another family (with kids) moreover turned happier & stronger too – that’s brilliant!! 🙂 I put in past tense, as we are no longer sexual, however we still have a positive mental underground bond between us and he loves hearing about my underground encounters.

With both of them my underground life continued for quite a few years… and then Leo (Aff3) entered my life too and I haven’t looked back! The mindset of connected caring sex without destructive undertones was totally aligned with my values! Wow did this guy really want uncomplicated wonderful sex? With me? Really?! Having only met this guy a week earlier at a social gathering, we were in the pub when he asked me outright “Do you want to have sex with me?”. This not only surprised him, but I couldn’t believe I was hearing it either. What unintended vibes was I giving off for him to ask that?! We did reflect and laugh about this later on, but he said “If I hadn’t asked you outright like I did Eve, you wouldn’t have noticed”… and so a new chapter of my life began. Aside amazing in-tune sex, vibrancy and a positive energy that my Affs have brought me, this unfolding chapter has also given me a sense of welcome openness, happiness and confidence with all aspects of my life, benefitting me and those around me…

Although I was lucky with Leo, you’re probably thinking “Yes but I haven’t got a Leo…” but perhaps more on that in a later blog?! So where am I today?! Late 40s, with a great family, and 6 gorgeous “stallions in my paddock” whom I also refer to as “Affs” for Affectionates (thanks to Aff5 for that reference!). Three of them I’ve alluded to above, and there’s a further three. It’s fair to say some Affs are more “active” than others in a physical sense for one reason or another, but I still have good open fun communications with all of them. I feel incredibly fortunate to have my Affs, and am so grateful to them all in connecting with me and for sharing and enjoying such fun, caring, wild and lustful in-tune encounters with me! Allowing me to follow my instincts and to be me in whatever form that takes, which invariably includes some very intense sensuous and sexually expressive moments!

A long blog maybe, but I wanted to paint my scene. For me and my underground life I have a real sense of strengthening and nurturing of the soul deep within myself, and also those of my Affs. Perhaps not in any “normal” or at least “conventional” way… but I feel I can be free and capture exquisite enlivening moments, form unique and wonderful threads in my life, where I can carnally revel in another, be myself and express myself as the innately passionate woman I am… For I am me, I am Eve.