It took me a good few months to get over the emotionally painful end of my first affair. I still used the same flirting app on-line, participated in saucy chats and played with some men on web-cam when I had the opportunity. Anyway, I had very little opportunity to get away from home for an over-night stay, and so, apart from one one-night stand, there was no chance to meet with anyone.

Early in the following year my situation changed – now suddenly my presence in the big city was required regularly, usually involving one over-night stay per week. But how would I meet someone? The site I was using was good for activity in cyber-space, but because its users were from all over the country, and even from around the world, it was rather difficult to find someone close enough for a meeting. One of my on-line friends, familiar with my dilemma, recommended a site especially designed for adult dating and illicit affairs.

I decided to give it a go, signed up – and was overwhelmed by the initial response! Thanks to a computer-generated ice-breaker, messages and winks came flowing in in the hundreds! For a few days it was impossible to keep track of any conversation. Once the flood had calmed down a bit I started chatting here and there, and soon I had found someone I wanted to meet. However, this time I decided to be a bit more sensible and stick to a chat over coffee or dinner in a public place before perhaps taking things further, a principle I have stuck to ever since.

At the same time I realised that, with more opportunities for me to get away from home, the danger of getting attached emotionally to any single person was just too grave –I really did not want to repeat my past experience. Since I had a nearly inexhaustible pool of men at the tip of my finger, I started to look around further.

Over the next few weeks and months I met a number of interesting (and some not so interesting) men, usually for coffee, sometimes for dinner. Occasionally things went further, and with two men, Marcus and Graham, I met up a few times, but otherwise there was not enough chemistry to sustain something like a long-term relationship. So far I had not revealed to anyone that I was conducting multiple affairs (brief as they were) and it was not until I met Leo just over a year ago, with whom I could discuss the merits of a swinging lifestyle, that I told anyone already existing in my life about parallel or overlapping relationships, or my occasional visits to a swingers’ club for that matter. I was well aware that this was something not to everyone’s liking and I had to be economical with the truth. After all I did not want to be viewed as a slut.

At some point, early August, I started to chat with Martin. He was in his mid to late forties, dark haired, about 5’9 tall, with blue eyes. According to his profile he was single, so not necessarily an ideal partner (considering that “married” reduces the chance of forming an emotional bond because of other commitments).

I am not quite certain what it was that attracted me to his photograph, .he was nice enough looking though not necessarily what I would call attractive – there was something about the shape of his lips. Was it derisive, scornful, cruel even? To this day I cannot quite pinpoint what made me hesitate to reply to his initial message – I only responded to his second attempt, because he actually sounded really lovely. Nor do I remember the content of those first messages once we got chatting – probably it was some light-hearted banter. Soon we decided to change to a faster way of communication and exchanged e-mail addresses and finally ended up on yahoo. This, like skype, has the advantage not only of instant messages, but also offers the possibility of a video-chat and what is nicely put as “cam-fun”.

To our great surprise, almost from the first – typed – conversation we realised that we were on the same wave length. We would simultaneously type our thoughts on a subject – and whoaaa – we had written the same comment or opinion using almost identical words. Spooky! Neither of us could believe what was happening. It didn’t take long before we had a face to face conversation, and we realised that there was an instant spark of a special kind.

As it turned out during our first video chat, his work took him to the big city for four days a week, with two regular over-night stays, one of them coinciding with my schedule. During that conversation, he was chatting from his hotel room, comfortably reclining on his bed. I really liked his politeness, he was well-spoken and very easy to talk to. As far as I could see he was perfectly attired, wearing a shirt – although, of course the web-cam captured only his face and torso. Now, I had had many video chats in the past, mostly of the naughty kind, and thus I quickly noticed the tell-tale signs that he was playing with himself off-screen. Secretly amused, initially I pretended ignorance, until our conversation moved to naughtier subjects. He asked me to stand up, so that he could see me in my entirety, very politely enquired whether I would be happy to lift my top for him. I had lost my shyness on web-cam quite a long time ago, and since I liked his playfulness I happily obliged. On that first occasion we left it at a quick flash of my breasts, on which he complimented me.

Over the next few weeks we frequently chatted – typing – on yahoo, exchanging messages about banal things like the weather, but also getting to know each other a little more, and over and over again finishing each other’s sentences. Often, when I logged on in the morning, there was a message already waiting for me. At the end of the month we finally met for the first time in person. Because of our previous fairly intense communication we instantly felt comfortable in each other’s company, had a lovely dinner, sharing some of the dishes (quite an intimate thing, or at least not something one does at a first date) with flowing conversation – not for a moment was there an awkward break as I had experienced with so many other “dates”.

Later that evening we had drinks in the bar of my hotel (something I normally avoid with any of my dates, since I am a regular customer there and fairly well known by staff) and eventually we went to my room. After kisses and mutual exploration, we soon lost our clothes, and I gave myself up to his full attention. The most unusual (for me) and thus exiting thing was that just before climax he withdrew and wanted me to finish myself off while he was looking on and playing with himself, eventually spraying his load all over me. Well, so much for voyeurism (kind of) and mutual play which he stated on his profile as some of his interests.

Although Martin and I chatted fairly regularly, with the occasional face to face chat on web-cam, (usually when he was in his hotel in the big city and only on very rare occasions from home at weekends, and then around midday, involving mutual play and quite filthy language, often ending in a fit of giggles), we did not meet again for a while. Whenever we planned a meeting, it was cancelled on short notice on his side. Once it was because he had injured his back, taking a couple of weeks to recover, the other time he was called abroad on business.

Occasionally I would see him logged into the site where we met – again almost without exception on evenings when he was away from home. Jokingly I would send him a message, enquiring whether he was looking for a lady to fill the evenings when I was not in town. He denied that vehemently, saying that he neither had time for anyone else, nor did he want to meet another lady. Which, on the one hand, I found flattering, on the other however, I wished he would see someone else too, because that was what I was doing as well. I just did not tell him these thoughts because I was worried I might scare him off. I liked him far too much. Still, this matter was heavily on my mind, but I did not know how to broach the subject.

Finally, late October, we had another date, but on the day he said he was held up at work, and we did not get to meet until quite late in the evening. But at least this time he had made the effort to come all the way across town to see me. He joined me briefly for a drink in my favourite local restaurant where I had been waiting for him (normally a place where I only go, without exception, when I am on my own or with my husband), and shortly afterwards we went to my hotel. For reasons of discretion I asked him to pretend that we were not together (normally I avoid being seen with anyone in the public parts of the hotel altogether – but of course I did not tell him that!). After an hour of passionate sex and cuddles, he had to leave far too soon for my taste. While we waited for his taxi in front of the hotel, smoking and chatting, he suggested that we really should spend a whole night together, rather than having only a few hours snatched every now and then. I wholeheartedly agreed, absolutely loved the idea – although, silently in my mind I was worried about the consequences. This would be taking the degree of our relationship to a different level, and I felt that Martin was a person I could really fall for, if I hadn’t already.

In the days following this evening there was total silence from his side. Very unusual, and I got worried. Where were his good morning messages? What happened to our conversations and video-chats? Did anything go wrong during our last meeting? Was he okay? I was confused and missed his attention. When he got in touch again, he said he had been very busy with work. Well, I accepted that, but so far that hadn’t prevented him from at least saying hello. We set a date for another meeting, chatted in the usual ways, until a couple of days before that date he disappeared again. Then, a few days later, I saw him on-line on skype – and learned that he had been called abroad again unexpectedly and because of the hectic circumstances he had forgotten to let me know.

Of course I was disappointed, but he quickly mollified me with the usual banter and our conversations continued for the next couple of weeks. Just before Christmas we wanted to meet again, but – surprise, surprise – this time it was a bad tooth-ache which prevented him from keeping the date.

I was aware that over the holiday period our contact would be limited at best since he was spending time with his parents. Once, however, I saw him on the site, and he even logged into skype. I sent him a brief message on the latter, and suddenly I realised that he had cancelled the contact. I sent him a rather angry message on the site, asking what that was all about and that if he didn’t want to stay in touch he just should say so. A very apologetic reply came, saying that he didn’t cancel anything, but that there was a technical glitch with his laptop, and of course he wanted to stay in contact. Not until after the holidays, the skype contact was restored.

I accepted his excuse, but by now my suspicions rose. Was he really single? In the evenings, he only logged in from his hotel; never on weekends (except for rare occasions during the day). Not that it mattered if he had a partner, but he should say so. Then I would understand the situation much better. I suspected that someone may have been looking over his shoulder and he did not want his skype pinging with messages. At the same time, of course, I wasn’t without guilt myself – after all I had my secrets too.

When we finally got to meet again in early January, everything seemed fine. We caught up on each other’s news over dinner, chatted in the usual laid back manner and simply were happy in each other’s company (Well, at least I was). During one of our previous conversations I had mentioned that I liked my partner a bit assertive, and he assured me that he could be quite dominant. He told me that when we go back to the hotel, as soon as the door closed behind us, he would be a different person. I would have to follow his orders and not talk unless I was told to do so. I could not wait to get away from the restaurant!

We did exactly as planned. As soon as the door closed he told me to undress except for my black slip, stockings and shoes, kneel at the foot of the bed on a towel he had laid out and silently wait for him to get ready. I watched him undress and then I got order to attend to him with mouth and hands. I gladly obeyed, licking, teasing, sucking, feeling him harden in my mouth. He placed a hand at the back of my head, pushing me in closer until I was gagging, tears started to stream down my cheeks, and still I held his gaze. After a while he lifted me up, told me to kneel at the edge of the bed, bent forward, arms extended. My wetness increased when he started to tease me with his fingers. Then he noticed the small vibrator I had laid out on the bedside table and he made good use of it, teasing me even further. While he entered me from behind, the toy came to good use for my rear entry. Neither of us had played in that manner before which added to the excitement, as did the filthy language we used throughout. By now passion had run high and we climaxed together – ending in a fit of giggles. Exhausted, we collapsed on the bed, cuddling in each other’s arms, catching our breath. With gentle strokes we cooled down, chatting, giggling – it was a situation of pure bliss and contentment.

On parting we once again agreed that we had to meet more often. But a problem was on the horizon. His present project in town would come to an end and there was no guarantee where he would work next. In theory it could be anywhere in the country. But we decided to deal with that problem once it became clear what would happen.

For the next few weeks we exchanged messages fairly regularly, although not as frequently as before. One evening, sometime in February we had another video-chat, and finally I mustered the courage to bring up the subject of jealousy and seeing other partners. He said that when he was younger he used to be fairly jealous, but was seeing things more relaxed nowadays. I could always talk to him if anything bothered me. I asked whether he had any problem with me going to the swinger’s club when I had the chance. He did not mind that, because, in his words, the experience there had made me to the sexy, desirable and confident person I was today. I also told him that I felt that we were becoming very close and that I feared that I would become too emotionally attached, which worried me. Therefore, I suggested, it might perhaps be good to see someone else too – quite apart from the fact that we did not get to see each other very often. At that point, I think – perhaps because it was very late and he was tired, perhaps wishful thinking or imagination on my part – I saw tears in his eyes. He said: “You will know when our relationship has run its course when you are with me, wishing that you’d rather be with so-and-so.” I assured him that this wouldn’t be the case.

At the end of the conversation I told him how glad I was that we had discussed these matters, and we agreed to meet in a couple of weeks. Until then we exchanged the odd, brief message, but as before, in the days running up to the date I didn’t hear from him. On the day I sent him a text message (I rarely do that for reasons of discretion) to confirm the meeting. No reply! Well, although I was sad, I wasn’t exactly surprised either. Not until very late that evening, when I was logged into skype, he told me that he had just come back from abroad – a trip on very short notice, and that he hadn’t had his phone on. There was some credibility to it – I knew his project was supposed to come to an end, but deadlines had to be postponed, so business discussions were quite likely to happen. But having the phone switched off? And again forgetting to let me know?

Our contacts became less and less frequent. Sadly I had to acknowledge that from THAT talk onwards there was a distinct shift in our relationship. We had one video chat, interestingly on a Sunday morning when he was at home, playing as we had done so often in the past, using filthy language and giggling about it afterwards. In another conversation, a couple of weeks later, he mentioned that when the project finally had come to an end, he had taken off a few days for sightseeing in the big city “with a friend”. Ouch! That hurt! But wasn’t that what I had suggested?

The next thing I heard was that he had started on a new project, with offices located within walking distance from my hotel. I rejoiced at the prospect, and he seemed excited too – although for the time being he would not stay overnight in town since his daily commute was now much easier. Another period of silence followed, until one day I got a message from him on skype (which he told me he used mostly for business), that he had had trouble to get hold of me on yahoo (our usual channel of communication), and that he had been worried to lose touch with me. Well, the technical issues were easily sorted, and we chatted more frequently again. Happy as I was, I was also confused. Martin had been sending out so many different signals. What should I make of them? How were they to be understood? I just could not “read” this man.

A few weeks ago he suggested that we really should spend a night together! Of course I was up for it! Although this time I did not permit myself to look forward to it too much to avoid disappointment again. The first date we considered had to be cancelled – another business trip on short notice. But there was an opportunity a few days later – I suggested a Sunday afternoon and night! He was all for it. His messages conveyed great excitement at the prospect. On the Tuesday before I asked him whether he had thought more about that Sunday option, whereupon he replied: “Option? I thought that was certain!” We agreed that it would be better, for reasons of discretion, to book a room each at my hotel so we could check in independently. At the end of our conversation he said he would book immediately.

For the rest of the week I didn’t hear from him. I had a sense of foreboding, but pushed those thoughts away. After all, it had been his suggestion in the first place, and he seemed genuinely excited at the prospect of the meeting. On arrival at the hotel, I sent him a message, enquiring when I could expect him. No reply! I waited for half an hour, then checked at reception – no booking in his name! What was going on? A range of emotions welled up: disappointment, sadness, anger, fury! What kind of game was he playing? I fired off a rather angry text-message. Even if he didn’t reply, he would at least know how I felt.

Once I had recovered from the shock, I went to get a coffee (always a good remedy!) and contacted a friend who was in town to attend the same conference next day as I. At least I had company that evening to take my mind off this renewed disappointment.

Ever since, Martin ignored all my messages. He cut me off from skype (well, that could have a number of explanations), hasn’t been on yahoo (probably eliminated my contact there, too), and did not respond to any of my messages on the dating site asking for clarification (he has not blocked me there, yet).

Now, after several weeks, I am still none the wiser, and I wonder what has gone wrong. Did I do anything to displease him? Was this a kind of revenge for THAT talk? Did he deliberately want to hurt me? If he didn’t want to see me again, why did he suggest to spend the night? Perhaps he isn’t single as he claimed to be – fine with me! I am married, too, after all. Why not simply tell me the truth? Cowardly sneaking away of course is the easier solution. Surely he must be aware how disrespectful and hurtful his behaviour is – I thought we had this very rare instant bond, on so many levels, intellectually and emotionally, and I thought I understood his way of thinking. How wrong could I be?

Questions over questions. And frustration at the total lack of comprehension of what had happened. The most comforting thought – although pure speculation, like any other attempts to understand the situation – is that he, like me, felt that things were getting emotionally too intense, and thus he “chickened out”.

Like in the case of my first affair, I will probably never know. Once again I got hurt, but the heartache will fade with time. I must learn to keep my emotions in check, and mostly it works. I have wonderfully sexy friendships, with mutual affection and respect. Well, and after all, there are more fish in the pond 😉

About two years ago I decided, for a number of reasons, to stray from my marriage. Not least because with my husband, who is more than thirty years my senior and whom I love dearly, there had been no physical relationship whatsoever for somewhere around twelve years. After such a long period of time of living in a relationship more akin to one like father-daughter, I realised that I didn’t want to lose out on what possibly might be left of just a few years of sensual pleasure life might still hold in store for me. It was not an easy step to take – indeed, it was against all the principles I had held up in the past.

By that time I had already made some contacts on-line, interestingly on a word-game site which apart from the game itself also had a chat facility. This in turn was used by some players for the exchange of saucy messages, and for some more steamy chats. (More about this perhaps in another story) One of my friends from there pointed me to another app specifically designed for flirting, chatting and the exchange of (sometimes very explicit) photographs.

Once I had signed up and found my way round that app, it didn’t take long to find myself engaged in a number of conversations with men from various parts of the UK (and potentially other parts of the world). Those conversations were to a great extent conducted in the form of tags to the uploaded photograph(s). One man soon caught my attention with his customised statements (as opposed to standardised tags provided by the app) and comments on my photograph. What struck me most about his photos were his piercing blue eyes and cheeky smile. He was ruggedly handsome, in his mid-forties, and as he told me, about 5’8 tall. After a few weeks of chatting on an almost daily basis, we were discussing the possibilities of meeting up, and soon an opportunity arose for me to get away from home for a night.

Once we had agreed on the date, we played through some scenarios on what would happen when we met. He used quite explicit language, and the scenarios he painted were exceedingly exciting. Closer to the day we exchanged phone-numbers, just to be able to stay in touch if necessary. And then, the last few days before our planned meeting, he did not come on-line. I was confused, and not quite certain what to do. On the train I decided a last ditch attempt and with trembling fingers I sent him a text-message, without much hope for getting a reply: “Last chance! Are you still interested in meeting up?” Oh yes ! He was interested and would shortly be on his way to the big city. I got exact instructions what to do: After checking in (and texting him the name of my hotel and my room number) I was to take a shower, change into some sexy lingerie, and then wait for his arrival. I should be prepared to be taken immediately on opening the door. The rest of my journey passed in a haze of excited anticipation – but also worry. Had I gone totally mad? Meeting up with a virtual stranger with whom I had not even exchanged a word in person in a hotel-room was perhaps not the safest thing to do. The situation could so easily get out of hand – what kind of person would he be?

Pushing all negative thoughts aside (although they always lingered somewhere in the back of my mind), I decided that it was a delicious adventure and well worth the risk. I did as instructed and waited, giddy with excitement and anticipation, my juices starting to flow just at the thought of things to come. Finally a text message announced his arrival within the next five minutes, my heart-rate going up, my breathing becoming heavier. A knock on the door, a flash of those piercing blue eyes, a smile, a barely whispered “hello” – and being pinned against the wall, hands and tongue exploring my body, fingers in my secret places. After a few minutes and a few steps further into the room, he took off his top, revealing a number of tattoos (well, I had seen some of them on his photographs), ordering me to get on my knees, feeding me his cock, making me gag and choke. Oh, this was so much better than all the fantasies we had spun! It almost felt like an out-of-body experience – this can’t be me, the conservative, insecure, shy me! And yet, it was so real! Well, not least because the sharp slaps on my bottom while being taken from behind, kneeling on the edge of the bed, kept me firmly within the real world.

I don’t remember how often I climaxed– the whole situation was so erotic, exciting, a totally new kind of experience for me – not only had I been starved of physical attention of any kind for many years, but never in my life had I been dominated in this way before. After around forty minutes, and a shared orgasm, we finally managed to introduce ourselves properly, albeit somewhat breathlessly.

While cuddling, we chatted about our lives and various experiences in general. He was quite easy to talk to, although at times I struggled with his northern accent. Quite openly he told me that he had been quite a bad boy in his youth. Some of his stories I found rather intriguing, giving me an insight into a world very different from my sheltered upbringing. Possibly this totally different background was part of the attraction, and certainly the strong erotic energy I felt emanating from him. After a while we were ready for an encore.

During our on-line conversations the subject of anal intercourse had come up. Had I tried it? Did I like it? Was I up for it? Previously I had never liked my bottom being fingered, but I was curious nevertheless, and I had told him that I was prepared to try it. Now, with passion running high, that moment had come. He made me kneel at the edge of the bed, with one hand pushing my head down, grabbing my hair. He fingered my bottom, sticking up high in this position, using spittle as lubricant. Never before had I been treated like that. It was exciting and a bit scary at the same time. When he tried to enter me I flinched, tried to get away. But there was no escaping his grip, and I will never forget his words: “Stay there! You can stand a bit of pain!” What followed was an intense combination of excitement, pain, and, once I relaxed, lust. This mixture of sensations was truly mind-boggling. Although I didn’t climax in this way, it was a highly sensually charged experience.

Once we had recovered our breath and cleaned up we dressed and went for dinner to a Chinese place nearby, followed by a stroll around the area and a brief stop for coffee. There were still a couple of hours left before he had to catch his train, so we went back to my room for some more cuddles and sensual play. In the lift – my room was on the 8th floor – he slid his hand between my legs, pushed me against the wall, and we kissed until the door opened on my floor. With a twinkle in his eyes he told me that he had always fancied playing in a lift.

I was well and truly fascinated by this man. Never had I met someone like him before; rough and sensual, playful and serious, and very gentle and tender when we parted at the end of the evening.

About six weeks later we met again. This time we had decided that he would stay for the night, since it was a weekend. My excuse to stay away from home was that I was attending a friend’s graduation party, which would surely last too long to travel all the way back late at night. Of course I did attend part of the celebration, but left early in the evening. Unfortunately, after I had booked my room a couple of days earlier, I skipped down the garden path in joyful anticipation, tripped, and holding a bunch of keys in my right hand, crashed against the frame of my back-door. My hand swelled up immediately, but I could still move all my fingers. I wasn’t sure whether anything was broken (possibly I did break a bone or two) but I decided not to have it checked, with the argument that there was not much doctors could do in such a case. And, of course, I feared that I would have to give up on my plans for the weekend.

By the weekend, my hand was not exactly a pretty sight, swollen and bruised in dark blue hues, and quite painful. Also, of course, I could not use it properly, each movement of the little and the ring-finger causing a wave of pain, but all bearable. I was determined not to let this spoil my fun. Again, I texted him the number of my room where he joined me sometime in the early evening. His concern about my hand was almost touching. He gingerly helped me to undress (and later on, dress again), the sex we had was much more tender – but no less exciting than the first time. For dinner we went to an Indian restaurant this time. I remember that I was wearing a black, knee-length shift dress, lace-top stockings, a necklace with chunky red beads, golden ball earrings, and a red leather-jacket. When we selected from the buffet, he stood close to me, and at one point slightly brushed his hand over my hips and bottom – naughty, but a very gentle gesture. I acknowledged that gesture wordlessly with a smile on my lips and a look into his blue eyes. After dinner we went for a stroll – he offered me his arm, and I could see the pride in his eyes to be walking with me arm in arm. Back in our room I told him how nice I found that moment in the restaurant, and his answer was: “You looked so sexy in that dress with your baubles – I couldn’t help it”.

At one point later that evening, I stood at the foot-end of the bed, undressing while he looked on, playing with himself. Again, this was a totally new situation for me, and I threw him a questioning look. When I heard his words: “Woman! You have no idea how much you turn me on!” I was flattered, amazed that I could even have such a reaction from a man. I really felt special.

At the same time, I sensed some vulnerability in him and I realised that he was fighting his own demons in regard to body insecurities and stamina – I assured him that there was need for him to worry, that he was the sexiest guy I had ever met.

The rest of the evening we spent cuddling, chatting, stroking, drifting off to sleep, waking up in each other’s embrace, falling asleep again. In the morning we found ourselves spooning; I felt his hard cock between my bottom cheeks, while he reached across my body to rub my clit – gently, slowly, taking his time. Only after he had made sure that I had climaxed, he took his turn – more akin to making love rather than just sex.

We parted company soon after breakfast, but agreed that next time I would come to his place. I already had a date about four weeks later in mind when my stay in the big city was required for a few days, a Sunday evening included, when we could meet. Over the next weeks we chatted almost daily on-line, made plans of how to arrange travel for our next meeting, what we would do, etc. Once I asked him what really turned him on- he said that he would like me in a fish-net body-suit, a collar, high heels. Well, I couldn’t quite imagine myself in that kind of outfit, but I went shopping for fishnet tights, and just to be on the safe side, some crotchless fishnet tights (and another pair in a different design). A collar I made myself – with satin and velvet ribbons to which I fixed a brooch of glass crystals. I was rather pleased with the result, having created a quite elegant piece of adornment. Also, I bought myself a new body-hugging skirt and studded sandals for that weekend. I could hardly wait for the time to pass.

We continued with our flirty, sexy and naughty, but also at times serious chats, and the closer the time of the next meeting came, the higher the anticipation rose. For some reason, on the Thursday before our meeting, the atmosphere changed. He came over as aggressive and argumentative. I do not remember how we ended up on the subject about chatting with other people on the site and looking at their private pictures. Yes, I was chatting with a few other people as well, and yes, I had looked at some of the naughty pictures, too – after all I got quite a lot of them offered to me, many more than I cared to look at. But that was what the site was for – and since there were people from all over the world on there, the chances of meeting anyone else were more than remote. I must have said something that displeased him greatly, because the last message I got from him was “I don’t want to see you”. In an instant, totally unexpected, all our conversations disappeared before my eyes – he had blocked me! I couldn’t understand what had happened – thought it was a poor joke he was playing at me. Frantically I sent him a text message, asking for clarification. No reply! I was devastated, couldn’t comprehend what just had happened. I felt as if I were in free fall off a cliff, about to shatter on the ground. I was dumb-struck, totally lost, close to tears. Of course I could not allow myself to cry – the reason would have been very difficult to explain to my husband.

The next couple of days passed in a haze. I hoped he would get in touch with me, telling me it had all been a mistake. Not only did I wonder what happened, but the bigger question was even the “Why?” Surely there must have been another reason than petty jealousy for his change of mind. I could accept that our affair, brief as it was, had come to an end, but I so desperately needed to understand what had led to that end. I came up with lots of theories, asked some of my on-line friends what they thought about this matter. But of course, it was all speculation and none of the solutions seemed satisfactory.

I never heard from him again. Needless to say, that Sunday evening in the big city, which I have always loved for many reason, I felt absolutely miserable. Everything in my hotel reminded me of the time we spent together, each ride in the lift reminded me of that little interlude; walking through the streets we had taken together, seeing the happy people in the restaurants we had visited together, all choked me up with tears I could not shed. Even some of my colleagues who attended the same event as I asked whether I was alright, because I looked so sad.

He continued to use the site we met on, and sometimes his picture would come up – I could look at it but not communicate with him; memories flooding my mind causing utter devastation because I could not understand what had happened. It took me a long time to accept that I will never entirely understand what went on in his mind, and it took me a good year before I could look at his photograph – when it popped up – without becoming emotional. Call me silly (and yes, I did scold myself more than once), but I could not help my feelings.

By now, almost exactly two years have passed since our last conversation, and looking back, I still wonder, but I also can cherish the wonderful (bitter-sweet) memories of those two meetings. My first affair will always have a special place in my heart. The occasional twinge of pain in my hand inevitably brings back to my mind some of the details I just described. Our first encounter was one of the craziest things I have ever done; he still was one of the sexiest guys I ever met. But I am aware that on so many levels he would not have been the right person for me for a long-term affair. Occasionally a newer photo of him pops up on my screen, and I even start to question what I really saw in him. Obviously, in the meantime I have far more experience in conducting (an) affair(s), and probably I am more laid back about such matters. Lovers come and go, some relationships last longer than others – this is just a fact of this kind of life-style.

As a consequence, I decided never again to focus on only one single person. Having more than one affair at a time should protect me from too strong an emotional attachment to any single person. But life is full of surprises and protective measures don’t always work – in recent weeks I had a sense of déjà vue.

… because this week, on my usual visit to the big city, I met up with a new man.

We spent a lovely evening together, and my world looks a bit brighter again.
As my next blog entry I had planned – and started to write – a piece about heart-ache and emotional attachment, a danger lurking on the path of illicit affairs and encounters. I had fallen into this trap a couple of years ago (not entirely surprising with a first affair), which I subsequently tried to avoid by a life-style including multiple relationships. And still, very recently I had a sense of déjà vue, got hurt in very similar ways. But enough of this at the moment– that’s the subject of the next post.

With nicer memories and thoughts on my mind, Leo suggested to write them up while they are still fresh. So here it goes …

About two weeks ago I started to chat with Jerry on MaritalAffairs. He fit my parameters quite well in terms of age group (he gave 48), physical description (around 6’), and he looked quite nice on his photograph, although photos on sites like this are rarely very flattering. Soon we exchanged e-mail addresses and continued our conversations on and off in this way. We told each other about our backgrounds and agreed that we would like to meet. We just had to find a suitable date.

Unfortunately, my time in the big city is fairly limited, and often the one evening per week I have there on my own is taken up with all kinds of engagements, or “play-dates” with one of my friends for that matter. Now for this week I had already a “date” planned (with Carl, whom I have not yet met in person, but we have been chatting for a few months, at times quite extensively on skype – once for almost three hours!), but Carl had already indicated at the end of last week that due to business matters he might not make it after all. So we left the final decision until midday of the day in question, and I told Jerry that if he is free on very short notice, we might be able to meet. As it turned out, Jerry’s wife had left that day for a business trip abroad, which left him open to spontaneous planning (talk about fate!), and Carl was quite happy to re-schedule our meeting (knowing that I could make alternative arrangements left him relieved of guilt for “letting me down”).

During the afternoon Jerry and I exchanged a few messages. He admitted to being quite nervous because he had never met up with anyone from the site before (having joined only a few weeks earlier), and not quite sure of how to go about it. He enquired whether I wanted to meet for drinks or dinner, which type of restaurant I preferred, etc. We agreed on a casual meal, in a place not far from my hotel with a laid-back atmosphere and leaving us all options open depending on how the evening would develop.

We took an instant liking to each other when we met (according to science, apparently subconsciously we decide within the first five seconds of meeting someone whether we like a person or not), and sauntered to our restaurant of choice. Over dinner and a bottle of wine, conversation flowed easily, first about our backgrounds, then about the more delicate subject of conducting affairs. When it came to more intimate details, Jerry sometimes blushed, which I found charming and endearing. Fortunately, for most of the time our table was out of earshot of others, so we could talk freely. At one point, after we had finished our meals, he took my hand and caressed it gently, the first physical contact, after a fleeting kiss when we met. It felt good, it felt right – and it felt natural to walk back together to my hotel.

However, there was a minor hurdle to overcome. Because I am a regular customer at my hotel I am quite well known to staff. Since I do have varying partners, even stay there on rare occasions with my husband, I have to be very discreet and avoid being seen with anyone in the public parts of the hotel. I always explain this to my companions, tell them my room number, and ask them to give me a few minutes to get to my room first before they join me. At the same time, at least for me, this adds to the excitement, brings home the forbidden character of what is to follow.

Following this procedure, Jerry joined me within minutes, and immediately we found ourselves in a tight embrace, kissing – hesitantly at first, but getting more passionate quickly. He explored my body with his hands, taking off my top, unfastening my bra, my jeans soon to follow the accumulating heap of clothes on the floor. While he licked and sucked my nipples, teasing and circling them with the tip of his tongue, I slid my hands under his top, feeling the warmth of his body. By now I was lying on my bed, Jerry kneeling beside me, caressing, exploring, stroking me, while I undid his belt and zip, to release him, and reciprocate his tender attention. With our excitement heating up, and having got rid of all remaining clothing, he set out to work the magic of his tongue on my sweet spot. With the help of a finger or two, delicious ripples of pleasure became waves of pure lust and he let me ride the crest of these waves, finally driving me over the edge. Now I was ready for his rock-hard member, not too big, not too small, to enter me and take me to new heights. It did not take long for him to climax, too – although he tried to hold back. His attempts to do so were not very successful, clearly due to a lengthy period of abstinence, as he apologetically explained to me later while we were cuddling up.

Once we had recovered our breath, our conversation again flowed easily from topic to topic, but this time more centred on sexual matters, covering likes and dislikes, positions, previous experiences. All the while we were caressing and stroking each other. Because of our physical closeness and our animated and animating conversation, it did not take long to feel our desires rise again. This time it was me on top, something I rarely enjoy (which I had mentioned to Jerry) but I clearly did this time, very much to his pleasure. Nevertheless, I cannot hold that position for long (too much work for my taste) and soon I found myself under him again. Between thrusts, Jerry asked for my “real age”, and I confirmed that I really was 52, as my profile states. With a grin he admitted that he had taken a few years off his own age, and that he was in fact 58 (which makes a difference of 10 years!) Well, all I can say is that he did the right thing. Not only does he appear younger than his years, but also I would possibly (probably?) not have considered his initial contact message on the site (even if my filters are set to a slightly wider margin than what I consider as my ideal age-group).

After another round of sticky and sweaty exercise on the bed, the time to part company had come. While waiting for him to finish his shower, I threw on a light kimono and lay on the bed, enjoying the afterglow of the evening. On saying our good-byes we agreed to meet again when an opportunity arises, even if it might be a few months before he has a chance to get away again. When he bent down to me, for a final tight embrace, he cheekily slid his finger between my legs which prompted me to threaten not to let him go as yet. Eventually I had to release him, though, and once he was upright, he licked his finger with a grin and twinkle in his eyes – and off he went, accompanied by my giggles until the door closed behind him.